Published In The Great North Arrow, August 2021: The Game Of Golf

- jim Young

“The trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots." - King Edward Longshanks in the movie Braveheart.

I’m proud of my Scottish heritage. 

I am a descendant of many great Scottish clans including the “fighting McGregors” and the Lyons (which allegedly link me to Royalty) as well as many other proud clans such as Dickson, Killah, Chalmers and more.

My Great Grandfather Thomas John Dickson was a Gordon Highlander, one of the “contemptibles” that fought to successfully defeat the Kaiser in World War I.

Thomas John Dickson

My cousin is a descendant of the William Wallace Clan. FREEDOM!

I love kilts, bagpipes (to the dismay of my dog) and Sir Harry Lauder singing “ A Wee Deoch & Doris”. 

As a disc jockey, I even supported the Bay City Rollers when they were popular in the 70s.

As a child I marveled at the workings of my toy steam engine that was modeled after the invention by Scotsman James Watt.

I celebrate Robbie Burns Day and sing Auld Lang Syne every New Year’s Eve. And one day I even intend to try haggis.

But I don’t like golf. I hope my Scottish ancestors will forgive me. 

I tried it once. My best friend in college decided to teach his girlfriend and me the sport one day many years ago in the hopes of having some companionship on the weekends.

By the end of the day, neither of us were speaking to him.

I just don’t understand the point of the whole game.

If you really want that little white ball in that tiny small hole, (and I don't even know why you do) why don't you just walk to the other end of the field and drop it in with your hands? It's 100% more efficient. 

Golfers are just a bunch of lazy people that can't be bothered to carry their golf balls to the end of the field. They know they are going to walk the distance, but instead of CARRYING the golf ball all that way, they would rather hit it ahead of them.

Me (on far left) posing
with the Bay City Rollers 

And once they do get their ball in the hole, what do they do? They take it out and look for ANOTHER hole to put it in?

I like the IDEA of getting out on a nice day just to walk around the course (so long as I can use one of those electric carts). The fresh air, the well maintained grass spotted with swimming ponds and small beaches all appeal to me - except they don’t even let you swim in water or sunbathe on the sand!

Why would I want to frustrate myself trying to swing a club at such a small ball in a futile attempt to knock it into a hole up to 100 yards away? AND THE HOLE IS NOT EVEN MUCH BIGGER THAN THE BALL!

A pool table, at least, has edges which prevent the ball from getting too far away from you and SIX holes that you can try to knock your ball into at any given time. What’s more, the pool table holes are within 3 and a half feet of each other.

The best thing about golf is the 19th hole, which isn’t really a hole at all. When you’re playing pool, on the other hand, you’re right there at the 19 hole for the entire game.

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