It's Party Time In Canada!

(Political Party Time, That Is)

- jim Young

“I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.” - Groucho Marx

Recently I received an email from Pierre Poilievre inviting me to join the Conservative Party which would entitle me to vote for Mr. Poilievre as Leader of the Conservative Party in the upcoming Conservative Federal leadership election in September.

I am pretty pumped right now. I figure I must've been recommended by one of my Liberal friends because of course all my Liberal friends think I'm a Conservative. Meanwhile, all my Conservative friends think I'm a Liberal. My capitalist friends think I'm a communist while my communist friends will concede that I may be a bit Socialist but not quite a pinko. However, my Socialist friends in turn think I'm a Capitalist. My fascist friends call me a pacifist but my pacifist friends are all too polite to call me anything. In fact they don't even call me.

Of course they're all wrong but then again they might all be a little bit right too.

So it's difficult for me to imagine that ANY political party would want ME as a member but here is my invitation to join the Conservatives to prove it.

Pierre Poilievre's email to invite
me to join the Conservative Party

I am so honoured by Pierre Poilievre's invitation that I am actually considering joining the Conservative party. But the real icing on the cake is that it only costs $15 per year to join. Pierre, whom I now consider my close, personal friend, tells me that for just one low payment of $15, I can have a say in choosing the next leader of the Federal Conservative Party. Eat your heart out Doug Ford, I've been invited to play with the big boys!

I know what you're thinking. This sounds a little bit like "buying votes" but I assure you this is not the case. Otherwise Pierre would be paying ME the $15 instead of the other way around. And as you know politicians always pay their debts out of someone else's pocket anyway.

But before I throw away about almost ⅓ of the price of a case of beer, I want to know a little more about what I'm spending my money on.

So I wrote to Pierre to ask him if joining the Conservative Party would preclude me from also joining one of the other parties. I don't want to limit my options. If they're ALL that cheap, Hell - I might join ALL of the Canadian Political Parties. I know a bargain when I see one.

Let's see, there's Liberal, Conservative, NDP, Bloc Quebecois and the Green Party. That's 5 x $15 = $75 for the opportunity to help select the leader from the pool of politicians that will be the next leader of our country. (And that's still less than 2 cases of beer.)

Political Parties currently represented in the House of Commons

Of course there are 16 other registered political parties in Canada such as the Rhinoceros Party, the Marijuana Party, the Maverick Party, the Communist Party of Canada, the Parti pour L'independance du Quebec etc but I'm not about to waste my money on those losers.

Political Parties registered with Elections Canada but not currently represented in the House of Commons

I could probably save 30 bucks by cutting out the Bloc Quebecois and the Green Party too, but for 30 bucks why take the chance in case they accidentally become the official opposition party some day?

See, my thinking here is, I could vote for WHO I want to be leader of whichever party I decide I would like to run our country. Then, by selecting my favourites in all the other parties, if my 1st choice doesn't win the election, at least the idiot running the country would be my "second" or "third" choice.

Alternatively, I could choose leaders for the other parties that I thought were the most incompetent. That way, if my party didn't get elected, the party that did would fuck up so badly their party would not be elected again for a long, long time.

Whaddya think? Pretty clever, eh? Dare I say "genius"? I'm surprised no one has thought of this before.

I am so pumped I can't wait for Peter to reply. (I've decided to anglicize his name.)  So here's what I've found so far on my own.

Requirements For Joining A Political Party

• you must agree with the general principles of the party (they will often get you to tick a box online stating that you agree) Seriously? Isn't that why the Conservative Party needs a new leader now? Because O'Toole didn't agree with the "general principles". Did anyone check to see if O'Toole "ticked the box" when HE joined the party? Yeah, I won't have any moral issues ticking THAT box.

• Most parties will not allow you to join if you are a member of another party. (There is no way for them to police this, they rely on the honour system.) Really? Relying on the honour system in politics is probably about as safe as asking a prisoner to "watch the door". Yeah, that's another moral dilemma I won't be losing any sleep over.

• You must be a resident of Canada (no, you don't even need to be a citizen, just a permanent resident in Canada). I think I see a little flaw in our political system right off the bat.

• You must be a minimum age (this differs between political parties, but it usually is as low as 14 or 16; so if you're in high school, you can be a member of a political party with all the rights that come with it - which includes voting in a nomination race) That explains so many of our party leaders. They are the result of too many teenage potheads being allowed to tick those boxes. But if those are the minimum ages that define the criteria, I've reached the minimum age requirement five times throughout my life. So why shouldn’t I be allowed to join five parties, one for every age requirement I’ve achieved? 

Where's those boxes I need to tick?

Requirements and Costs to join a Political Party in Canada

When I dug a little deeper, I was at first, pleasantly surprised to discover my costs to join the Political Parties vary greatly. But then when I thought about it, I started to find it a little disturbing.

SO FIRST, SOME QUESTIONS, PLEASE

My first question as a member of the Conservative Party would be, "Why does it cost three times more to become a member of the Conservative Party than it does the Bloc Quebecois?"

My first question to the Liberal Party would be "What's wrong with the Liberals that they have to give away their memberships?” You want to tax the hell out of Canadians but you're afraid to ask your members to dig into their own pockets? That sounds about right.

The Green Party will have to explain to me "What makes you think you are worth twice as much as the Bloc Quebecois?" You only have 2 MPs in the House of Commons compared to the 32 MPs the Bloc Quebcois has so why am I paying more to help pick YOUR leader?

I don't have any questions for the Bloc Quebecois because... I don't speak French. So I will just pay my $5 membership dues and go along with whatever they say (whatever is is they are saying).

And to the NDP? O.M.G.! "If you can't even come to a common consensus of how much to charge for your membership fees across the country, how the hell do you expect to unite Canadians?"

So you see, I think all the parties are going to realize quickly what a great asset I would be to their individual parties and they are certain to overlook any of my “questionable” box ticking.

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